Sibling Rivalry in toddlers
Sibling rivalry - Jealousy
Some children are the jealous type and have more problems sharing your affections with a sibling - causing sibling rivalry, while others find it easy. The age gap between siblings is thought to have an effect on the strength of sibling rivalry. It's been found that a two to four year gap often produces the worst jealousy and so worse rivalry, while there seems to be less of a problem if the gap's larger (more than five years) or smaller (less than 18 months), thus reducing rivalry. Sometimes the oldest sibling displays the most jealousy - probably because they had you all to themselves for a period of time, so if you can make them feel included, you can reduce any feelings of rivalry. However, each sibling is an individual and their behaviour will have its unique characteristics, and differing levels of rivalry.
Even though some jealousy is normal, it can make children insecure or unhappy, causing sibling rivalry and might spoil the relationship between siblings. It makes sense for you to try to manage sibling rivalry whenever possible.
Sibling rivalry - Preparing your toddler for a new baby
While you and your partner are thrilled to be expecting again, your toddler may be less than happy, which can start rivalry, before the birth! This isn't inevitable, though. Some may be as pleased, or more so, than you!
There are things you can do to reduce jealous feelings and thus rivalry in your toddler before the birth:
Explain in advance - tell your toddler you're pregnant and that another baby will soon join the family. Nine months can seem like an eternity to a toddler so there's no need to tell them too soon, but you don't want them to find out from someone else either.
Reassure them - give plenty of comfort to a toddler who seems worried or upset. Explain you'll always love them, if they believe you love the new baby more, they will feel resentful and thus start on the road to rivalry.
Be honest - explain that babies can't do anything for themselves and need a lot of time and attention. Also explain that they tend to cry a lot and it's their way of communicating, if you can get your older toddler to feel like they're helping, they're less likely to show any rivalry and feel more secure.
Involve your toddler - where possible, get your toddler to help in preparing for their new sibling. This may be getting the nursery ready or going shopping for clothes for the baby.
Avoid change - try to avoid making changes to their routine close to the birth, or your toddler may think their new sibling is already disrupting their life in a negative way, and thus start showing signs of rivalry.
Reading books together about having a new baby can also help your toddler come to terms with any changes that may be around the corner. Both boys and girls can enjoy having a doll to practise with, too, and in giving your toddler their own "child" to look after, can help them practice looking after a baby, and reduce any rivalry, these skills also set them in line for having their own children later in life. By the time your toddler reaches two or three, they'll know that your affections can be shared. Before this, however, you should explain that you won't use all your love up on the baby.
sibling rivalry - After the birth
Once the baby has arrived, it's perfectly normal for your toddler to feel angry and upset. Try these tips to help them accept their new sibling.
Encourage them to help with their new sibling. They could help find a nappy or a bath toy, for example. Never insist on this if they're not interested, this again will make them feel resentful, and your toddler could well end up showing signs of rivalry.
Make sure you keep an eye on them and only allow gentle touching of the baby with you supervising. 'Over-loving' - hugging too tight or kissing too hard - is common and demonstrates confusion and the love-hate feelings they might have for their new sibling.
Point out that the baby seems to like them, perhaps when they smile.
Some children are thrilled by receiving a gift from the new baby.
As well as anger and confusion, you may also witness some regressive behaviour in the older sibling after the birth. For example:
- wanting a bottle or to breastfeed
- going back on toilet training
- wanting to be carried or dressed by you
- wanting sleep in a cot
- wanting a dummy
Stay calm, never get angry and allow the older sibling time to adjust.
sibling rivalry - Time share
Although you're busy with a new baby, it's important to spend time with the older sibling too. Here are some tips:
Give the older sibling special time and attention, perhaps when the baby's asleep. Read or play together, for example.
Let the older sibling have some special 'big kid' privileges - being able to stay up an extra ten minutes or choosing their own clothes, for example. Stress that the baby isn't lucky enough to have these privileges.
Ask friends and family to show affection to your older child as well as the baby.
sibling rivalry - Growing up together
Sibling rivalry sometimes increases with age. Older children may only begin to show annoyance when the baby starts to be mobile and snatches their toys or interfering with their games. And a younger child may be jealous when their big brother or sister starts school. You may find your children go through stages - they may be great friends at one age, then fall out all the time at another. This is quite normal. If you think your children will never get along, it's better not to force them together. It might be better to let them have separate friends and activities. If at all possible each child in a family should have somewhere that is all their own. If space is tight, this could be a drawer or a box - somewhere to keep private treasures. Avoid making comparisons between your children, especially if one is receiving a lot of praise. This favouritism can make them too competitive, and may cause distress to one child if the other is constantly held up as an example.
